Just came back from Zone Meeting and tonight is the most awesome meeting I've ever had so far. Father, thank You for the divine appointment. Thank You for bringing me back to the place of destiny. Wow ~ I really do not know how to begin this entry because I'm still so in awe of all that I've experienced and encountered today. The aimless rounds, crashes, dilemma, disappointments (or whatever you'll term it), that have been pulling me for the past 3 months have finally ended today with a victorious cry and triumphant encounter with my Lord tonight.
To be very honest, the past 4 months have been really challenging for me. It was almost like a Royal Rumbo where my ministry, work, family, relationship and finances came together and had a great showdown. Every aspect of it was waiting for me with a different challenge. It was so tiring and after the 1st month, everything just came to a standstill. I thought that was normal but honestly, that was not. How true it is, that any stagnant object has a greater tendency to roll backward than to push forward. Unknowingly, I was losing it.
I really want to thank God because despite my confusion, He was revealing things, slowly, abit at a time to me. It all began in WYZ's I am a Campus Revivalist session and it all began with this song:
我永远不会忘记
主你那丰富恩典
如今我在天父怀中
因为你舍下自己
你不看我的过去
只是完全接纳我
主你的爱何等伟大
我的心完全融化
我亲爱救主
我心何等感谢
你单单在意
我这爱你的心
我愿一生 追求跟随我主
谦卑为你 服事这世界
我亲爱救主 我要一生敬拜
在我生命中 你是唯一的爱
毫无保留 我愿献上所有
何等渴慕 能为你而活
耶稣我主
The first time I sang this song during this session, I was just absorbed into the songs. I started tearing but honestly, I didn't know why. Yes, this is a song about a Servant's Heart, but I know I wasn't tearing because of this. After that week, I've been humming to the song, with the tune of the song playing in my head almost everyday. Honestly, I really don't know why.
The second time I sang this song was during INSPIRE - STRONGER 2008. The same song, same language, but the revelation was different. The concept of humility began to seep into my heart. That day, God spoke to me from Luke 14:11. 你不看我的过去 只是完全接纳我. I was convicted that God has called me not because of who I am and what I have done, but He has called me simply because of His grace and His unconditional acceptance for me. I was humbled. Very humbled.
STANDING IN AWE OF YOUR GRACE
SETTING MY FEET IN YOUR WAYS
ENTERING INTO YOUR PRESENCE
TO BEHOLD YOU FACE TO FACE
GOD OF ALL HEAVEN AND EARTH
HOLDING ME IN YOUR EMBRACE
UNFAILING LOVE THAT SURROUNDS ME
OH..GOD I STAND AMAZED
MY JESUS, MY LORD
YOU’RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
WHEREVER YOU GO
WANNA BE BY YOUR SIDE
NO LONGER I
BUT CHRIST LIVING IN ME
SERVING YOU FOR ALL ETERNITY
MY EYES SET ON YOU
IN THIS RACE THAT I RUN
NO LONGER MY WAYS
LET YOUR WILL BE DONE
MAKE ME A SERVANT
MY HEART'S EVER TRUE
CLINGING TO THE CROSS
I'LL FOLLOW YOU
I'LL FOLLOW YOU
The third time I sang this, it was already translated to English. Gorgeous. "No longer I but Christ living in me". I've decided that day, that I am dying to myself, crucifying myself to God and following Jesus.
By then, it would have been 2 months since God has been revealing things slowly...bit by bit through this song and through the sermons Pastor Kong preached in church. Still, I was recovering really slowly. The speed of recovery was really slow and I dreaded that.
Gradually, visions of Christ came to my mind whenever I sing this song. I see Christ dying for me, pierced hands, thorned head...and I am eternally greatful for His love. By then, I am determined to be a servant. Servanthood.
Although I was truly ministered by this song, somehow, I know God has not finished His message to me. Then the amazing thing came just last Saturday during service when Pastor collected the offering. When we were told to write our vision down, to write what we want to see ourselves doing or having in a few years time...our visions for ourselves that seem impossible. My initial intention was to write "Multiplication of W459" but I paused for a very long while. And before I knew it, I wrote "Lead a group of 300 by 25". Frankly, I was so hesitant to put in my offering amount and sealing my envelope because that really is impossible. God, how is that possible? Although I still gave my offering in the end with the content of the envelope unchanged, it felt unconvincing. I thought I would have wasted one chance to write a vision.
Thank God for today. Today, the kairos moment.
I really thank the Holy Spirit for urging and prompting me to rush for zone meeting today. It is really divine. I would not have heard and seen and experienced what I just did if I chose to be late for the meeting.
Thank God for His great ministry to me today. I am blessed and very very ministered. Just as we sang Hati Hamba in Chinese today, the presence of God saturated my entire being. I cried and I cried, so hard! It has been a long time, very long time, since I last wept so freely, totally liberated in the presence of God. Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me when we sang 你单单在意我这爱你的心. Child, right from the first day I called you, I was only looking at your heart. That pure heart that simply loves Me. Remember how you stood up against all objection, scoldings and mockings just to attend CG and Service every week? Remember how you tried your best to time yourself and extend your prayer time just to wait on my presence? Remember how you always said yes to serve despite the fact that you had very strict curfews to meet? Child, I called you because of your heart that loves Me.
I was totally washed by the love of God. Consumed in His presence. I realized that over the years, I've grown to be more professional. So professional that the first love I had for God seems to be fading...it seems to be limited by my professionalism. I was so convicted and so repentant I told God I will return to my First Love.
At the end of the meeting, Pastor gave another altar call to those who have a vision to go Full Time. That struck me so hard. Rae, now is the time. Remember your desire to go full time?This was like a wake up call to me. Yes! I wanted to go full time! It seemed so impossible because I am just so not perfect to be a full time church worker and yes, it will cost me alot. ALOT. Family objections, my job, my friends, etc. Didn't you stood against all these when you just came to know me? Another wave of the Holy Spirit swept through me.
Yes God, this is what it's all about. I lost my heart, a heart that simply loves You. A heart that is able to say yes to everything that You said. A heart that is determined to die for You. God, that heart is back and I am back on track. Thank You Jesus.
Friends, I'm going full time. More assured than ever. I do not know when will this happen but I know that once God calls, I will go.
I LOVE YOU JESUS. Awesome night.
